“Love means never having to say you are sorry.” This
line from the widly popular 1970 book (and subsequent movie), Love Story, by
Erich Segal helped it become the New York Times number one bestseller and the
top selling work of fiction for all of 1970 in the United States. It was
translated into more than 20 languages worldwide. The motion picture of the
same name was the number one box office attraction of 1971, according to
Wikipedia.
The opening narrative of the book by the mai
character, Oliver, says, “what cab you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl
who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach,
the Beatles, and me?” yhe rest of the book is just as riveting.
Love Story
is
a wonderful story. If you have any heart at all, you will cry your eyes out
after reading the book or watching the movie. In the end, Jenny dies and we are
all heart-broken. Lessons abound.
Segal’s work is a true romantic story about love, life
and death. It touched the hearts of everyone who read the book or saw the
movie. The problem is, the basic premise of the most famous line of the book is
wrong. Love IS having to say
you are sorry!
Love Story
is a
book about one of the great love stories of the 20th Century. There
are many lessons about love and life. But the most famous lesson of the book is
a lesson you should not learn, and we wonder
from time to time if many of the failed marriages over these past 43
years in the United States and around the world might in some way be related to
the notion that being in love does not require you to apologize when you do or
say something wrong.
What is so
confusing about the message of the book and the movie is this – because we are
in love with someone, does that make us immune from apologizing for our bad
behavior? Just because we are married or engaged to someone, are we exempt from
saying I’am sorry when we hurt our lover’s feelings or
disappoint them with our words and actions.
From time to time in any loving relationship, things
can go awry. People who love each other get angry. They yell at each other and
say hurtful things. We all make mistakes in judgment. Sometimes we show our
dark side to the people we lovw. And frankly, there are times when we make
fools out of ourselves around the ones we love.
When two people love each other, they feel more
comfortable discussing perplexing or challenging problems. They are willing to
address the tough issues head on. Why, because they trust each other more than
they trust any other human being. They feel comfortable with the one they love.
And because their comfort level is so high they often say and do things to each
other that are hurtful. But because they
love each other and trust each other, does it give them carte- blanche license
to say and do whatever they want, even if it is damaging or hurtful? Of course
not! But the reality is that it happens and the wounds can be deep. Feelings
can be hurt. Relationship strained.
Which leads us to the most important point of this
article – love IS having to say you are sorry. There are no ifs, ands, or buts
about it. When you engage in behavior, actions, or words that are hurtful and
damaging in your relationship with the one you love you not only should apologize,
you MUST do so! In your humble opinion, no two people who profess to love each
other can ever take the position that they don’t have to apologize to each
other for saying and doing hurtful things. And, never take the positions that
“Oh, they know I love them. I don’t have to say I’m sorry.” The latter is one
of the most egregious of all sins you can commit in your relationship with the
one you love – taking them for granted.
In the end, there is only one correct action to take
when you hurt the one you love. You must say you are sorry. Contrary to what
Jenny said to Oliver in Love Story, LOVE IS HAVING TO SAY
ARE SORRY. This simple notion may very well be one of the great truths about
loving, successful, and long-lasting marriages.
